Tag Archives: weight loss

Points Life Forever

After apparently five weeks of being MIA at my local Weight Watchers meeting, I returned tonight.  Sadly, I didn’t plan accordingly and forgot that it was the beginning of the year and the first meeting at our meeting place that wasn’t snowed out since the new year.  That meant that the line was insanely long, full of fresh faces.  They all shared the same look – that look of fear as the line slowly inched forward to the grey metal square. They watched as the seasoned veterans disrobed down to the lightest layer of clothing, ritualistically preparing their weight tracker for the kind receptionist who greats those she knows by name.  Shoes come off and the line moves forward in an array of colorful socks, each pair taking a 2 inch step up at their final destination.

ww-logo1I may have shared that look today.  Even though I have been there for a long time, having been away for a month was nerve-wracking.  Add to the fact that the month I was MIA was the month of December, also known as the month full of Christmas parties, Christmas cookies, and lots of Holiday cheer.  (You can read that as I completely threw my Points tracker out the window and ate what I wanted, when I wanted.)

I knew that the scale was going to show a gain.  I hadn’t been doing anything to promote the ideals and values that a good Weight Watcher should show.  I wasn’t saying the Weight Watcher pledge.  I got a little down on myself instead.  Alright, fine.  I beat the living daylights of out myself over it.  Positive self-talk has never been a strong point for me and those who know me would claim that I’m a perfectionist and that I don’t allow myself to make mistakes. Then, when I make those mistakes, I just spiral around the crazy-go-round with them.  It’s not always pretty.  That’s why I knew I had to face the music and really get it done. Knock on wood that I don’t need any major medical things this year.

The worst thing is that I had one of those moments when the song you hear just hits you with a 2×4 across the face and you realize that it’s now your theme song.  The daughter has been on a Disney Frozen kick (along with almost every other girl from 4 years old and up) and that means I have probably heard “Let It Go” about fifty million times now.  There’s a few lines in the song that summed up my inner voice, the one that I sometimes don’t listen to when I should probably listen to that voice all the time.

frozen

“It’s time to see what I can do / To test the limits and break through / No right, no wrong, no rules for me, / I’m free! / Let it go”

I need to let it go and see what I can do.  It always looks good on paper.  I just need to figure out exactly how to do that.  Let it go.  I need to let my mistakes go.  Let go of my not so perfect days. Let go of perfection.  Someone once told me that perfection was boring anyway.  Just let it go.  Maybe someday I might fully and truly understand what those words mean.

No matter how I slice it, I have to let go of the fact that my body cannot process food the same as other people’s.  I need to let go of the fact that I will always, no matter what age, have to pay attention to what I’m eating.  I will always count points, even if I do not write them down.  Through December, I was counting points mentally.  I knew how many points I was over every day because I was keeping count.  I can rattle of points values of foods like Rain Man can rattle off a tv schedule. I’m going to just accept that.  Maybe that will help letting go of some of the other stuff a little easier.

Tomorrow is week one, for the sixth time officially.  I’m letting go of the other times.  Tomorrow is Friday. It’s a day.  It’s one day.  It’s one day in which I’m going to count my points.  It’s one day where I will make good choices and if I slip, I will forgive and move on.  It’s one day.  It’s one meal.  It’s letting go of all the other stuff and living in just the moment.  Let go of the what ifs.  Let go of the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  Let go of the maybes.  Just deal with the moment.  Let it go, let it all go but that one moment.

Let it go.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under My Relationship with Food, Weight Loss

Eating Cupcakes While Watching the Biggest Loser?

The Biggest Loser is inspirational, a little unrealistic, but inspirational nonetheless.  Watching this show, I’m reminded, for the umpteenth time, as to why I haven’t completely given up on Weight Watchers.  I may have been moving a snail’s pace, but I haven’t given up 100%.

Watching these people stand up on national television and bear it all to help inspire others is pretty amazing.  And yet, here I sit, enjoying a chocolate cupcake.

Yep.  A chocolate cupcake with vanilla buttercream frosting and fall colored jimmies.  It was good.

By Kat Kellner [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Kat Kellner [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

I probably should have been doing squats or lunges.

Sometimes, I think I need Jillian or Bob to yell at me to keep my fat butt in motion.  But then I realize, that they can yell at me all they want.  If I don’t fix what is broken, it won’t matter one bit.  The broken parts will always be broken.  It’s hard work.  Having done some form of this hard work my whole life (since I was 8), I get tired of it.  It’s what’s wrong right now. I’m tired of having to weigh and measure every single bite. I’m tired of having to write everything down.  I’m tired of having to wake up thinking about it.  It wears you down.  Even if I get to a point where I’m at a healthy weight, I will still have to track, weigh, measure.  Constant vigilance.

It’s sometimes discouraging.  But, then I think about being six feet under and not being able to see the Daughter hit some of life’s major milestones…that’s even more discouraging.

It’s a constant struggle. I know that I cannot give up, but on the other hand, I have never been able to fully imagine myself at the finish line.  Either way, I’m not giving up. Time to pony up and put the cupcake down.

4 Comments

Filed under Emotional Health, My Relationship with Food, Weight Loss

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Names will Make Me Fat

I read this article today from NPR, “Hating On Fat People Just Makes Them Fatter.”  It’s interesting because here we are in 2013 and it’s one of the first time a study like this has been done.  I am a little amazed by that fact but, given the state of America today compared to even 20 years ago, I suppose it’s not that shocking.

eating cinnarolls

The study observed over 6,000 people who had been discriminated for whatever reason.  Four years later, they followed up with those people and found that those who had cited weight as their discrimination factor were still obese and possibly even heavier than they had been before.  While I’d like to think America is over being racist and discriminatory, I know that it’s not.  Look in the department stores.  See if you can find the “Women’s” sizes.   If you can, how small is the section compared to the rest of the store?  Then compare the prices…

I remember having times in my life where people would tell me that no one would want me if I kept gaining weight.  Mind you I was around 13, 14, 15 when those things were said.  It makes an impact to hear words like that come from someone who thinks they are “trying” to help you.  I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough then so what was the point?

If only that were as deep as it went...

If only that were as deep as it went…

The worst part about it all was trying to understand that what was being said was being said out of love.  I remember on time, for a birthday in middle school, I had a friend come and stay with me at my Nana’s and she made a comment along the lines that it was too bad I wasn’t thin and pretty like my friend.  It was her weird way of trying to encourage me to work on my weight.  Needless to say, that was the last time that friend did anything with me.  I wonder sometimes if I reacted badly after that comment – it’s quite possible.

I am fascinated that people needed a study to realize that these types of “motivators” are really detrimental to people who are struggling with obesity.  Some people think it’s as simple as “Just don’t eat it.”  Sadly, for some of us, it’s not that simple.

The worst part is when you are working on it, because there is no quick solution that instantly transforms your body, people don’t always know you are working on it.  People just let their mouths flap, despite the fact that you are going to your doctor every three months for check-ins and you go to your weekly weight watchers meeting.  They don’t see it.  They just see the fat person that they assume is lazy.

As I work toward my goals, I have to not get angry at those comments.  I have to let go of the hurt that was caused by those “helpful” comments.  I have to just move forward and keep working toward a better me, no matter what names are thrown my way.

4 Comments

Filed under Emotional Health, Exercise, Healthy Me - Yay!, My Relationship with Food

Suck it Scale!

It is Thursday. Date night with the scale. I was apprehensive about it because I was afraid that I would have a gain after the previous night out with the husband. I made a rookie move and ordered fried clams! the night before weigh in. Of course that only added to my nerves.

20130726-004357.jpg

I faced the scale though and I was victorious!

Loss/Gain: -1.2
Lbs to next 5 lb goal: 3.8

 

1 Comment

Filed under Healthy Me - Yay!, Weight Loss

The Scale and Her Numbers

Since February of 2012, my health hasn’t been so great.  Two operations later, I’m finally ready to get back to my weight loss goals.  That also means that I’ll probably be posting a little more about my journey.  I feel like calling it a journey is cliché.  I mean, yes, it’s a mental journey in a manner of speaking but I’m not really going anywhere.  According to dictionary.com, I fall more closely to the 4th definition of journey: passage or progress from one stage to another: the journey to success.  I guess that works.

more than a day

Tonight was my weigh in at my trusty Weight Watchers meeting.  It was ugly. I’m fairly confident it was ugly for a few reasons.

1) I usually stop eating and drinking around 2 pm on weigh in day.  Today, however, I was drinking and grazing right up until 4pm.  My meeting is at 5:30.

2) It has been ridiculously humid which means any kind of moisture is staying in my body.

3) I purposely wore jean shorts, knowing that today was the baseline.

4) I have been horribly lying to myself in my tracker.

I could continue along on all the wrong things I have done and all the things I should be doing, but honestly, what would be the point?  I know what I did and it’s time to make the changes I need to make before the clothing situation gets any more depressing.

I am sorry if these kinds of posts annoy you.  Skip them if you want.  I just sometimes feel that there is some kind of extra accountability in posting this experience to anyone who is willing enough to read it.   Also, you will understand if there is a sudden tone shift in my posts…those will be the days I’m working on removing one of the not so good foods, like sugar and eventually diet coke, from my diet.  I promise to not make you want to go insane but, I will probably check-in weekly with updates ( because in my mind, you all want me to succeed!) and maybe a recipe or two as I get back to whole foods and clean eating.

It’s time to get healthier!

2 Comments

Filed under Healthy Me - Yay!, Weight Loss

Clear Out The Distractions

There are times when I feel like I can’t do what I’ve set out to do. There’s so much involved with getting healthy and getting my life back to what it should be at my age. It’s a lot at times to take head on. The big picture can be intimidating and overwhelming because let’s face it, I don’t have just 25 lbs to lose. There are a lot of things I need to do to not let myself get side tracked.

distractions

The list of what I need to do is simple.  Eat right, exercise, go to weigh in no matter what, track my every bite, lick, and taste, and forgive myself when I slip up rather than let it landslide into a food avalanche.

When I sit down to do the math, the total number of time that I need to lose five pounds can seem impossible. But, that smaller five pound goal seems more possible than the grand total!   That is the trick, you see.  I need to look at little victories.  In Weight Watchers, we call them the non-scale victories, things like losing inches, fitting into new clothing sizes, being able to say no to a gorgeous, decadent piece of cake even though every cell in your brain is screaming eat the cake!  Looking at these small victories and combining them with the larger more obvious ones like the number on that metal box many people torture themselves with, it is much easier to stay energized and focused on the task at hand.

The distractions are just that, they distract you from your goal.  You need to keep pushing, never give up, never surrender.

Never give up.  Never surrender.

“Never give up. Never surrender.” Commander Peter Quincy Taggart – Galaxy Quest Though, this picture is not one of Commander Taggart but rather of the Thermians. 

The reason I haven’t already gained back every pound I lost and then some on this round of Weight Watchers is that in the almost 3 years I’ve been going and weighing in, I haven’t given up. Yes, there have been some struggles (hello 2012 and the great gallbladder saga), but I haven’t given up.  I have faked it some weeks, some months.  I firmly believe that is why I have not gone back to where I was at the start.  I also believe that is why I will eventually get to my goal.  This week has been one of those fake it weeks.   I can admit that because I know that even though I’ve been faking it, I will still go to weigh in.  I will own the fact that I haven’t made the best choices this week.  I will do my best to clear out the distractions and keep moving forward.  In the end, it will happen.

Today’s post is part of January 2013 NaBloPoMo.  This month’s theme is energy.  Today’s prompt was, “Benjamin Franklin said, ‘Energy and persistence conquer all things.’ Do you agree or disagree?”  What do you think of Mr. Franklin’s observation? 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Healthy Me - Yay!, NaBloPoMo, Weight Loss

Wasted Energy

There are times when I wish I didn’t have feelings.  I know it sounds odd.  But for someone who learned very early on in life to emotionally eat, feelings are still hard to process.  As I work on  my weight loss journey, it has made me realize that these emotions are the real causes of my eating.  I have said it many times before but it bears repeating.

I find certain emotions are worse than others.  When I’m bored, I will often be able to talk myself out of eating as a way to “amuse” myself.  It’s when I’m sad or angry that I end up having the real issues.  If I’m anxious, forget it.  There’s no stopping me short of locking the cabinets, fridge, and freezer!

At times I get sad about this and think “Why can’t I be normal and have a normal relationship with food?”  Lots of people make it through the day without having the urge to eat because they are nervous about bills getting paid on time or because they are upset that someone said something negative to them.  Normal people shrug it off, other people find they can’t eat during those times.  Why can’t I be one of those people.

This is where my energy gets wasted.  I end up going round and round in my head and end up making myself exhausted. It’s tiring to constantly be thinking about the whatifs and the could’ves.

Then, when I eat those emotions rather than feel them, I get angry with myself for giving in to the pattern.  It’s borderline insanity.  Ok, maybe not borderline.

This is the worst form of energy wasting.  This merry-go-round of emotions and eating.  If I could just re-train my brain to go for a walk or do some crunches when I feel those emotions, I will gain energy rather than continue to lose it.  But see, dear reader, this is where my neurosis kick in big time.  Will I replace my eating with exercise and go from one extreme to the other?  HAHA! Yeah – probably not, but do you see what I’m saying.

What is it that I’m so afraid to feel and allow myself to to just use my energy for more positive outcomes.  As I type this confession, dear reader, I realize that there are things that this blog has allowed me to work out and I thank you for bearing with me while I have these mini self-realizations.  One day it’s all going to click and I’m going to be able to just get everything where I need it to be!  Hopefully that day will be sometime before I’m 70 years old!

This blog is part of January 2013 NaBloPoMo. The theme this month is Energy.  Monday’s topic was “What emotion do you think is the biggest waste of energy and why?”  Even though I didn’t directly say it, I think I was trying to say guilt and anxiety were the most waste of energy.  What do you think?

1 Comment

Filed under Healthy Me - Yay!, My Relationship with Food, NaBloPoMo

Sunday Goals

This weekend has not been the best for someone who is supposed to be on Weight Watchers.  Today alone, I had a 70 point day.  I know that I get a lot of points every day, but I dipped heavily (no pun intended) into my weekly allowance points.  For those not in the know, on Weight Watchers, everyone gets a daily points value based on their height, weight, age, and sex.  For me, I get 45 points a day.  On top of those daily points, everyone, no matter what their daily points value is, gets 49 weekly allowance points.  Think of them as your fun money, you know that little bit of your paycheck you set aside each week for something fun.  You don’t have to use them but if you have a busy weekend ahead, you can use them.   So today, I ate 70 points.  In one day.  Bleh.

17c1a81d5683bbf5e5eb77171322f539bc

Tomorrow is Monday.  It’s the middle of my Weight Watchers week so that means it makes total sense to set my goals for the week tonight.

1) Keep tracking everything.  Even those dumb 70 point days.  Track it all.  Every bite, lick and taste.

2) Start stepping again.  When I was doing really well and the weight was just melting off, I was doing steps at night in front of the tv.  The Wii Fit has a section for “free step”  and you can switch back to the tv feed, watch your shows, and it will track your steps.  It was so easy to do the steps in front of a 30 minute sitcom.  My goal this week is to start off doing 1 sitcom a night.

3) More water.  I have cut back again on the Diet Coke but it’s still too much.  I need to get rid of it altogether.

4) Less sugar.  MyFitnessPal allows you to break out your food by nutrients and lately, my sugar amount has been so high.  Need to change that.

simple-sugars

I think those goals are pretty doable and won’t make me go too crazy this week.

In non-weight loss and health related goals:

1) Get back to trying one new recipe a week.  It was fun to pick out that one recipe a week and make the family into my guinea pigs.  I’ve been going through Pinterest today to figure out what that one recipe is.  I’m not sure that was a wise decision though because now I have a million new options to narrow it down to.

2) Write two blog posts a day.  One dedicated to NaBloPoMo and one dedicated to my new schedule that I’m setting up for myself.  Fun times.

3) Write my story for at least fifteen minutes a day.  No editing, no worrying about much other than just writing.

I’m going to keep these three for now until they are back to being second nature.

What are your goals for this week?

4 Comments

Filed under Food, Healthy Me - Yay!, My Relationship with Food, Weight Loss

The Last Week of 2012

The world did not end.

Some say that the Mayans just ran out of room.  Some say that the Doctor saved us as he seems to every Christmas.  Whatever it was, we’re all still here.

The Doctor does always seem to find something trying to take over the world at Christmas...

The Doctor does always seem to find something trying to take over the world at Christmas…

The new year is closing in fast.  The news and magazines and Pinterest, and any other thing you look at is going to talk about the best of 2012, tell us all it’s time to make our resolutions, tell us that it’s time to plan Easter.  I did get a present from the Easter Bunny – a small packet of Cadbury candy eggs.  They are on sale at Stop and Shop you know, and were out on Christmas Eve ready for sale!

I try not to gripe too much but this year, I really can’t help but notice how rushed we all were into our holidays.  I love flipping through Pinterest but I feel like the pressure to start getting into the next holiday is always pushed on me there first.  Then it’s the tv commercials.  Black Friday started the week before Thanksgiving this year and Thanksgiving itself was quite a blur.  Does that mean tonight we’ll start seeing commercials about Easter chocolates?  Valentines?

At any rate, I should quit my griping because Christmas was good.  We are all pretty sick with whatever this sinus thing is but the day was good nonetheless.  I am in Christmas withdrawal though.  It was so wonderful to watch The Daughter wake up and discover what Santa had left for her.  Then the non-sick family went on to Rhode Island while the sick group stayed home and kind of crashed.  When the non-sick family came home from Rhode Island, we did do our annual Peppermint Pig tradition where we say something we wish for the coming year.  I did not make a serious wish because by the time it got to me, we had all been laughing too hard but I do feel like I should have some kind of plan of attack for the new year.   So, my list is as follows:

1) Do the #26Acts in memory of the Newtown.  Before Christmas, money was a little tight so now that the holidays are over, I think the Daughter and I can do some kindness for others in the coming days.  I also think it’s important to carry this one throughout the year.  They should not just be one month or one week of kindness, they should be done every day.  When I finish my dedicated #26Acts, I may do them again and again…

2) Finish the book I started in November.  I am so close to finishing it.  I just kind of put it on hold for December so I could focus on shopping and wrapping and family events.  I need to finish it.  I need to edit it.  I need to draft a query letter.  I need to do it so I don’t live a life of “what ifs.”

3) I need to get back on track with the weight loss.  I’m tired of not looking good in holiday pictures.  I’m tired of not having the clothing I want to have because they don’t make it affordable for fat people to dress fashionably.  I’m tired of being fat.  Thanks Brother #3 for the heart rate monitor…should help me with this goal.  My goal for 2013 is to lose at least another 50 lbs.  I’m shooting low so that I don’t disappoint myself but this coming Thursday will count as my start weight since it’s the last weigh in of 2012.  If I go above that 50 lb goal, then yay me! Just getting back on track will be amazing.

scale

4) I need to be better about communicating with friends and family that I don’t see enough.  I tend to withdraw this time of year.  Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight and warm days.  Maybe it’s the holiday doldrums.  Maybe I’m just weird.  But I am going to commit to my friends and family to be better about phone calls and actual in person visits as opposed to liking photos on Facebook and instant messenger.  Maybe it means more traveling or adventures.  That’s kind of what I’m hoping this one turns into!

So.  I’m going to start with those four.  I think that they are good to start with.  I am thinking that as the week moves on and I get closer to another year, I will probably try to make a longer list of more things I want to accomplish this year.  I like lists.  They help me see that I actually have accomplished something.

What are you goals for 2013?

2 Comments

Filed under Healthy Me - Yay!, Random Thoughts

A New Recipe to Keep Me On Track!

I haven’t posted about my weight loss journey much lately.  My heart has been half in it.  I just felt like it was never going to end because there is just so much I need to do!  I let the mind game win.  But I didn’t throw the towel in completely.

This past week, I was 100% back on track.  I wrote down every BLT (bite, lick, and taste).  I was moving more.  I really focused on doing what I know I can do.  Last night, it paid off.  The scale rewarded me with a 4.2 loss. It felt good to have such a great loss.  Why do I depend so much on that scale dictating what I feel?  Why does it matter?

diet journal

I suppose the easy answer is that it is instant gratification.  The number pops up in a matter of seconds and then I know, for a fact, that something worked.  I know that even though I don’t feel like it, I am lighter than I was 7 days ago.  I don’t deprive myself, but I cannot eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I never have been able to.  Accepting that as life rather than a sentence that forever forces rice cakes and celery sticks on me is probably the biggest thing.

The scale is a measurable way for me to see that I’m getting healthier.  I suppose I could have my cholesterol checked every other month, or have my blood pressure taken every other day, but I really am all set with going to the doctor’s office so frequently.  I could take my measurements but to be honest, those numbers depress me.  Lots of people like to see the measurements as a great non-scale way to track the changes, but at this point, I just am not feeling those really high numbers that are known as my measurements.  Maybe someday.  So YAY for a great loss at the WW Scale!

Now…we tried a pretty good recipe recently and I thought I would share it with you all.  It was very low-calorie and very filling.  It was a success with half the family but part of that may have just been the topping choice.

Cheesy Polenta & Mushroom Pizza
(from the March 2012 Woman’s Day magazine)

Active: 25 minutes, Total: 30 minutes, Serves 4

1/2 instant polenta (I use Indian Head Old Fashioned Stone Ground Yellow Corn Meal to make my polenta)

1/4 grated Parmesan (1 oz) (Stop and Shop sells the good grated Parmesan in the cheese section or you can grate your own – I just try to avoid the kind that comes in the green tube because it does make a difference in taste)

2 oz Gruyère or Swiss cheese, shredded (1/2 cup) (I opted for the Gruyère because I love Gruyère!)

Kosher salt and pepper

3 TBSP Olive oil

8 oz small button mushrooms, quartered

8 oz shiitake mushrooms, stems discarded, caps sliced 1/4 inch thick

1 shallot, thinly sliced

1 TBSP small fresh thyme sprigs

Mixed green salad, for serving

1 – Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.  Cook the polenta according to package directions.  Remove from heat and stir in the Parmesan, 1/4 cup Gruyère, and 1/4 tsp each salt and pepper.  Scrape the polenta onto the parchment paper and spread out to form a 3/4 inch thick oval.

2 – Heat Broiler.  Heat 2 TBSP of the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add half the mushrooms and cook, tossing often, until golden brown and just tender, 4 to 5 minutes; transfer to a plate.  Cook the remaining mushrooms with remaining TBSP of oil.

3 – Return the first batch of mushrooms to the skillet and toss with the shallot, thyme, 1/2 tsp of salt and 1/4 tsp pepper (I eyeballed the salt and pepper.)

4 – Scatter the mushroom mixture over the polenta and sprinkle with the remaining 1/4 Gruyère. Broil until the cheese begins to brown, about 3 minutes.  Serve with a salad, if desired.

Switch it up: Use the polenta as a base for other tasting toppings. Try roasted tomatoes, or replace half the mushrooms with cooked sausage and spinach.

cheesy-polenta-mushroom-pizza-180

As I said, half the family liked it, the other half was not sure what to think.  If you like polenta, try it.  It’s filling and it’s low-calorie.

Here’s the NI per serving:

288 calories, 17g Fat (5g saturated fat), 20 mg cholesterol, 492 mg sodium, 10g Protein, 26g carbs, 2g fiber.

In the land of WW, it works out to 7 pts.  It’s a little higher than you would think but that is in part because you use two kinds of cheese.  You can probably try to substitute low-fat Swiss in place of the pointy Gruyère or use less Parmesan in the polenta which would also bring down the point value.  Either way, it’s tasty!

Do you have another polenta recipe you’d like to share?  Please do, because I love the stuff!

Leave a comment

Filed under Food, Healthy Me - Yay!, New Recipes, Weight Loss