Tag Archives: change

Ahhhh…Unrequited Love

It’s a funny thing to be in love.  It means that you overlook the little things because you see the person beneath it all and are willing to accept the little things as the quirks that make them unique.  It’s those things that make you love them even more.

I had just turned 18 and started working at one of the many resorts on Cape Cod.  This was one of the more posh resorts, one of the top three when you think about luxury resorts on Cape Cod.  I had a measly little job working in housekeeping doing laundry (which is why I can fold a perfectly square fitted sheet and make my towels in the bathroom look like a hotel).

I quickly made friends with the set of kids who had worked there the year before.  They were fun, they were rebels compared to what I had been.  They partied, like with booze and cigarettes, not like my old friends who had X-Files parties where we dressed up like our favorite characters.  Since that summer was the summer before freshman year of college, I figured what the hell.  Let’s party.

Yep, it was just like the Pink Ladies!

Yep, it was just like the Pink Ladies!

Over time I started to fall hard for one of the guys.  I went off to college but I was determined to stay in touch.  So, I did.  I would call (this was just before everyone had a cell phone) hang out when I went home on weekends, make sure we stayed in touch.

It was quite futile though on my part all for the simple fact that he was gay.

Unrequited-Love

A lot happened over five years of “friendship.”  I had friends, his friends –  I had people who accepted me and loved me.  We were like a little family.  There were four of us at one point who were thick as thieves.  He and I became so very close and it was nice to have someone who was just so nice to me and was not a jerk. Even though there was a line of people fawning over him, I didn’t care, I was on the inner circle.  It felt good.

Then I started making some really bad decisions, the kind that really bring someone to the bottom of the barrel.  I stopped even looking for anything or anyone else.  There were those conversations of “if we’re not married by x years old, we’ll do it and have kids.”  It was probably just talk but at the time, I took it as gospel.  Though he dated other people, had flings with friends, I was convinced that there was love still in this friendship, after all, there had been a small fling with a woman mixed in there.  I held out hope.  Letting my head get all cloudy, holding out for this one person.  It was kind of crazy.  Ok, it was totally crazy.

Eventually, the friendship had a massive meltdown.  Completely and utterly imploded.  I was devastated.  I had already lost one of the friends in a not so great way (though thanks to Facebook, we have reconnected and it’s good to see she’s doing pretty darn well for herself!), I was a complete mess after losing this one.

unrequited love

After a long time of playing songs like Untouchable Face (if you’re offended by the language in this one – sorry), Superhero, and a lot of Vertical Horizon (the early stuff),  I realized that it was probably for the best.

Had that not happened, I wouldn’t have gone back to school.  I wouldn’t have moved on and actually started living my life again.  I found someone who loved me.  It was a blessing in disguise.

This post was written as part of the February 2013 NaBloPoMo Series.  This month’s theme is Love and Sex.  Today’s prompt was “How old were you the first time you fell in love?”

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Filed under Family, NaBloPoMo

The Loss of Innocence

Unless you live in under a rock, you have heard about the tragedy in Newtown, CT.  I have not been able to bring myself to watch the news coverage. I cannot watch it without tearing up or feeling sick to my stomach.  I have read articles online, looked at the terrifying images online.  I did see President Obama’s speech and started crying when he started crying. How could you not?  The families who are now trying to make sense of what happened today, the sadness, the pain, our fellow citizen, our fellow man – you would have to be devoid of a soul in order to not cry.

Other than the fact that the news reduced me to tears, I didn’t know that my 3-year-old should be watching such images.  There had already been so much loss of innocence today, I couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing me watching the news, crying, and then having her ask me what I was watching on TV.  We turned the TV off and spent quality time together.  We did our usual Friday routine even though all day, I kept thinking about the moms who would not have a Friday routine anymore.  I kept thinking about the brave educators who died while most likely trying to protect the small children.

My mother watched the news coverage tonight when we got home from doing some Christmas shopping.  I couldn’t.  It sounds horrible to not be able to watch the news, but I know that tonight I will have nightmares.   Fortunately for me, my nightmare is one I can wake up from.  Sadly, there are so many who, tonight, will not be able to wake up from their nightmare.

I pray that the families of those affected by this horrible day are able to, in time, find peace.

I pray that the little ones, and the adults too, who were lost are at peace in His Grace.

I pray that our law makers can reevaluate the gun control laws and not get held up in party lines and lobbyists.  I pray that this tragedy did not happen in vain and that we, as a society, can open our eyes to the harsh reality that our laws are flawed and need to be revised and amended.  We need to protect our innocent citizens and since there is no more need for a militia, maybe it’s time to realize that the “freedom” to have a gun is not something we can be trusted with anymore since we have seen so many mass shootings this year alone.  I look at how Europe handles their guns and compare it to their gun violence rates. We also need to crack down on how many guns we import from European manufacturers (Glocks, for example, are an Austrian import).  So much needs to change to prevent another family from having to bury a child.

We are the ones to bring about that change.  Please, consider it.  Don’t just quote Charlton Heston’s famous NRA quote, “From my cold dead hands…”  Because you know what, it won’t be your cold dead hands, it will be the cold dead hands of an innocent person who just wanted to see a movie; hear their congresswoman talk; go to their college class; or go to school to play with their friends.

These are my personal opinions.  While I respect your opinions, please keep your opinions respectful if you choose to comment below. 

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Filed under Random Thoughts

Letting Go of Control

Even though the weight didn’t go on overnight, it sure feels like it sometimes.  The emotions got to me this past two weeks.  I have been stressing over things that are completely out of my control.  I like control.  It’s unnerving to me to be out of control.  I think that a lot of people have trouble not being in control but the difference is how we all deal with it.  Because I tend to internalize a lot, this often results in me being a not so pleasant person to be around when I’m stressed.  I eat which makes me upset with myself and adds to that sense of spinning out of control.

Now you may be asking yourself, kind reader, if I can recognize this behavior, why not simply change it?  Good question.  A lot has to do with the fact that I learned to be an emotional eater at a very early age.  It was the only thing I could control – what I put in my mouth.  And since emotions were not something we were encouraged to talk about (I should note that it was only by one of my parents who unfortunately had too big of an impact on all of our lives), I learned to control my emotions by feeding them.  It took me years to realize this and accept it.  But if I have accepted it and recognize it, why do I fall back into that pattern so easily?

Because I am human and prone to mistakes.

That’s the only answer I can come up with.  I get scared and even if I have been doing well, that fear is almost paralyzing so I go back to old habits.

Today is weigh in.  Last week was a terrible gain.  Today is most likely going to be another gain.   I am bracing for it.  It’s a mental blow every week there is a gain.  I know I deserve it but it still just hits that spot in my heart where I have let myself down.  The fact that I’m even going to go to weigh in tonight is a victory.  In the past, I would have blown it off and just written it off as a bad week.  I can’t afford to do that any more.  It’s part of breaking the habits.  It’s part of changing life.  It’s part of being in control of the right things.  Gaining control of the things I can control.

There is a saying in many of the 12-step programs:

Let Go and Let God

For years, I heard this saying from people and kind of just would shake my head in a “yeah, yeah, sure” kind of attitude.  This past year, however, I have really come to a full understanding of this.  There are things that are completely out of our control.  There are things that we cannot change simply because they are things we cannot change.  But, there are some things that we can change.  There are some things that we can improve on.  All the rest, we have to let it go.  We have to have the courage to say that it is not something we can control.  It is not something that we have the power to change.

All the fears, the doubts, the worries…they are not something you can control.  All you can do is trust in whatever you believe in and know that “it will all be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

Call it a realization of Faith.  Call it common sense.  Call it an awakening.  Call it whatever you are comfortable with.  When you get there though, to that point in life where you fully and truly embrace this thought, you will feel a sense of peace that is so precious it will be your beacon  for those days when you need to hit that mental reset button.  I know that the struggles have been partially built up by my own mind but it’s my own mind that I need to quiet.  By letting it all go and realizing that the fears are not in my power to control but what I put into my mouth is; what I do for exercise is; how I treat others is all within my control, I can be a little less upset with myself and this gain and move forward.

 

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Filed under Emotional Health, Exercise, Food, Healthy Me - Yay!, My Relationship with Food, Weight Loss