I always wonder what other people are thinking. I get so self-conscious sometimes it stops me from doing what I set out to do.
I think partially it’s because I grew up under a very critical eye. Perfection was expected at all times. For example, in elementary school, I was not allowed to have an eraser on any pencils. If I did make a mistake, I had to ask for an eraser and prove that I had figured out the correct answer before being able to use said eraser to correct my homework. No lie.
When that person left, the critical eye was gone, but the critical inner voice remained. I always wondered if it was good enough, did other people like it, did other people like me, was I good enough, was I smart enough…
That voice still sometimes shouts and when it does, it’s hard to shut it up. I have gotten better over the years at ignoring it but man, it was one hell of an asshole when I was growing up. I often listened to that voice, that dumb voice that made me wonder what people would think if I did something, said something, wore something, ate something.
As an adult, a new set of what do they think questions have popped up. What do people think about my parenting skills, what do they think about my child, what do they think about the fact that I’m overweight, what do they think about my writing, what do they think about the car I drive….
I have given up caring about what people think about my parenting. I know what I’m doing is right.
I have given up caring about what people think about my child. I know I love her no matter what.
I have given up caring about what people think about my writing. I don’t write for them. I write for myself (newsflash – most writers write for themselves).
I have given up caring about those people who will judge me for my possessions.
It is hard though for me to give up caring about what people think about my appearance. I don’t know why I can’t let that one go. I shouldn’t care. I know what I’m doing. I know how far I’ve come. Why, then do I care so much about them? Why do I spend the energy caring about what people may or may not think when they see me for the first time?
Maybe Deep Thought would be able to answer that question. Or maybe she’d tell me that the answer was on the computer planet she built…who knows?
This post is part of January 2013 NaBloPoMo. This month’s theme is Energy. Today’s topic was “What reoccurring thought uses up a lot of your mental energy?” Tell me what you think. I do care what you think. Honest.