Even though the weight didn’t go on overnight, it sure feels like it sometimes. The emotions got to me this past two weeks. I have been stressing over things that are completely out of my control. I like control. It’s unnerving to me to be out of control. I think that a lot of people have trouble not being in control but the difference is how we all deal with it. Because I tend to internalize a lot, this often results in me being a not so pleasant person to be around when I’m stressed. I eat which makes me upset with myself and adds to that sense of spinning out of control.
Now you may be asking yourself, kind reader, if I can recognize this behavior, why not simply change it? Good question. A lot has to do with the fact that I learned to be an emotional eater at a very early age. It was the only thing I could control – what I put in my mouth. And since emotions were not something we were encouraged to talk about (I should note that it was only by one of my parents who unfortunately had too big of an impact on all of our lives), I learned to control my emotions by feeding them. It took me years to realize this and accept it. But if I have accepted it and recognize it, why do I fall back into that pattern so easily?
Because I am human and prone to mistakes.
That’s the only answer I can come up with. I get scared and even if I have been doing well, that fear is almost paralyzing so I go back to old habits.
Today is weigh in. Last week was a terrible gain. Today is most likely going to be another gain. I am bracing for it. It’s a mental blow every week there is a gain. I know I deserve it but it still just hits that spot in my heart where I have let myself down. The fact that I’m even going to go to weigh in tonight is a victory. In the past, I would have blown it off and just written it off as a bad week. I can’t afford to do that any more. It’s part of breaking the habits. It’s part of changing life. It’s part of being in control of the right things. Gaining control of the things I can control.
There is a saying in many of the 12-step programs:
For years, I heard this saying from people and kind of just would shake my head in a “yeah, yeah, sure” kind of attitude. This past year, however, I have really come to a full understanding of this. There are things that are completely out of our control. There are things that we cannot change simply because they are things we cannot change. But, there are some things that we can change. There are some things that we can improve on. All the rest, we have to let it go. We have to have the courage to say that it is not something we can control. It is not something that we have the power to change.
All the fears, the doubts, the worries…they are not something you can control. All you can do is trust in whatever you believe in and know that “it will all be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”
Call it a realization of Faith. Call it common sense. Call it an awakening. Call it whatever you are comfortable with. When you get there though, to that point in life where you fully and truly embrace this thought, you will feel a sense of peace that is so precious it will be your beacon for those days when you need to hit that mental reset button. I know that the struggles have been partially built up by my own mind but it’s my own mind that I need to quiet. By letting it all go and realizing that the fears are not in my power to control but what I put into my mouth is; what I do for exercise is; how I treat others is all within my control, I can be a little less upset with myself and this gain and move forward.