There are times when I wish I didn’t have feelings. I know it sounds odd. But for someone who learned very early on in life to emotionally eat, feelings are still hard to process. As I work on my weight loss journey, it has made me realize that these emotions are the real causes of my eating. I have said it many times before but it bears repeating.
I find certain emotions are worse than others. When I’m bored, I will often be able to talk myself out of eating as a way to “amuse” myself. It’s when I’m sad or angry that I end up having the real issues. If I’m anxious, forget it. There’s no stopping me short of locking the cabinets, fridge, and freezer!
At times I get sad about this and think “Why can’t I be normal and have a normal relationship with food?” Lots of people make it through the day without having the urge to eat because they are nervous about bills getting paid on time or because they are upset that someone said something negative to them. Normal people shrug it off, other people find they can’t eat during those times. Why can’t I be one of those people.
This is where my energy gets wasted. I end up going round and round in my head and end up making myself exhausted. It’s tiring to constantly be thinking about the whatifs and the could’ves.
Then, when I eat those emotions rather than feel them, I get angry with myself for giving in to the pattern. It’s borderline insanity. Ok, maybe not borderline.
This is the worst form of energy wasting. This merry-go-round of emotions and eating. If I could just re-train my brain to go for a walk or do some crunches when I feel those emotions, I will gain energy rather than continue to lose it. But see, dear reader, this is where my neurosis kick in big time. Will I replace my eating with exercise and go from one extreme to the other? HAHA! Yeah – probably not, but do you see what I’m saying.
What is it that I’m so afraid to feel and allow myself to to just use my energy for more positive outcomes. As I type this confession, dear reader, I realize that there are things that this blog has allowed me to work out and I thank you for bearing with me while I have these mini self-realizations. One day it’s all going to click and I’m going to be able to just get everything where I need it to be! Hopefully that day will be sometime before I’m 70 years old!
This blog is part of January 2013 NaBloPoMo. The theme this month is Energy. Monday’s topic was “What emotion do you think is the biggest waste of energy and why?” Even though I didn’t directly say it, I think I was trying to say guilt and anxiety were the most waste of energy. What do you think?